Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
