I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize