is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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