She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
