I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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