I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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