Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
