im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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