I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize