Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
