so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
