Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
