My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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