I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
