Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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