Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
