I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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