she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
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