your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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