i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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