I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
