Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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