My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You ruined the universe
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
