fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
