i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
