Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
