im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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