Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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