That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
