allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
