My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
