I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
