just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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