But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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