I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
