if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
