We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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