Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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