i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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