I didn't shave. On purpose
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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