me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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