I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
