chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
