A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
