...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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