I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize