Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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