So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize