i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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