we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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