I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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