I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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