Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just threw up on my dentist
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
