yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Someone signed my nipple.
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