apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
