Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
