turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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