Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
