Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
