I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
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