Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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