My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
